Disappointment

Disappointment in relationships is a universal fact of life to which we are all subject. Betrayals, large and small can only happen to those who care enough to be in relationship—everyone who loves gets hurt in some way. Everyone who enters the marketplace gets betrayed at some point in time. Finding our way through painful disappointment can be an illusive journey. Our choices include living in the details of an injustice, constructing revenge, or engaging in forgiveness.

Clarity

While forgiveness is the optimal choice, it is a delicate process that takes time. Offenses are more quickly healed when they are carefully examined and fully felt, not glossed over. Clear understanding and articulation of the nature of an offense and its impact on both the offender and the victim gives definition to exactly what occurred in all its nuances. Exactly what requires forgiveness is precisely described and understood and an intentional decision is made to let go of feelings of resentment and thoughts of implementing revenge against someone who may have caused offense or pain, sometimes in grievous ways.

Exoneration

Terry D. Hargrave, Ph.D. in Families & Forgiveness divides forgiveness into two broad categories of exonerating and forgiving. Exonerating is the effort of a person who has experienced injustice or hurt to lift the load of culpability off the person who caused the hurt. The exonerating person learns how the environment and patterns of the injustice developed and understands and appreciates the wrongdoer’s situation, options, effort, and limits. It is by gaining insight and understanding that a person who has experienced a tremendous injustice is able to go about the work of exoneration even though trust in the relationship is at risk as a result of an injustice.Exoneration does not include “forgetting”, just not holding a self-destructive grudge that distracts from future possibilities. Nor does it mean condoning, or excusing, or releasing the wrongdoer from legal accountability. It does not even require reconciling with the person who caused the harm.

John F. Kennedy famously said: “Forgive your enemies but never forget their names.”

Forgiveness

Forgiveness is not about the person who committed the offense. It is about the victim thriving. This can be achieved by the victim setting an intention to understand the offense and let go of dwelling on painful events; by not letting betrayal define the future; and by choosing both peace of mind and freedom in place of corrosive anger. Healing includes a focus on positive parts of life.

If forgiveness is to occur, according to Hargrave, the offender must take some specific action indicating responsibility for the injustice that caused the injury. Forgiving involves the victimized person being given legitimate reason to believe that the wrongdoer accepts responsibility for the injustice and the hurt it caused, while promising to refrain from any further injustice.

Forgiveness can be accomplished when the wrongdoer holds him or herself responsible without excuse or equivocation.

Healing

Jack Kornfield suggests that at the most basic level, forgiveness is on a continuum with grief. When we are offended or hurt or violated, the natural response is to grieve. The problems of relational injury or betrayal can be seen as a loss—whether we lose trust, a relationship, a dream, or an anticipated future. Forgiveness, a deep process of the heart, is in the end a matter of grief, accepting fully the loss of what was and discovering a different future. That is accomplished by not letting pain dominate the present, by not letting hurtful events define the future.

That was then, this is now.