Under The Spell

…of the narcissist’s charm

What is so attractive about a person who is pathologically self-absorbed and enjoys manipulating and exploiting others?

Their charismatic charm, often good looks and flashy appearance, talent, success, and magnetism along with their dazzling conversation and flattery cast a spell. They can be entertaining and exciting. People tend to gravitate toward them and find their powerful energy invigorating. The narcissist thrives on being the center of attention. He or she can be so seductive they make you like them, want to bask in their glow, and believe in them with your whole heart.

A charming social mask conceals a contrived, false self. The more successful the narcissist is at creating an attractive social mask, the greater the circle of friends and acquaintances and the more powerful the popular narcissist seems. Concealment requires secrecy, evasion, dishonesty, and deception, meaning the pathological narcissist habitually lies, even about seemingly small and inconsequential matters.
(Alexander Burgemeester in Psychology Today 2011 06).

Who would believe a suffering “whistle blower” when many may be under the same charismatic spell?

Trapped

Exerting personal magnetism and charisma become ways of asserting control and doing away with other people’s personal boundaries (Burgemeester). Once lured into the web and under the spell of the narcissist’s hypnotic, unnerving charm and wit, not to mention their powerful manipulations, can make it difficult to clearly see what is happening inside your own mind and body. It is a bit like being lost in a fog. The narcissist’s abuse of power can feel overwhelming and the potential cost of exposing them great (possible loss of job/income, loss of relationship, loss of privacy, loss of reputation or status, loss of hopefulness for a secure future, etc.)

Innocence Lost

The male narcissist often initially arrives on the scene as the knight in shining armor, ready and equipped to save the day—until he feels unappreciated or finds a newer and more admiring conquest. (Wendy T. Behary in Disarming the Narcissist).

One must abandon any fantasy that engagement with a powerful and exciting narcissist will bestow specialness by association or provide release from a personal sense of invisibility or obscurity. The narcissist operates at the expense of others, not on their behalf.

So, how do you recognize you are dealing with a narcissist? Here are some clues: aggression; unremitting addictions; missing moral compass combined with remorselessness and an elevated sense of entitlement to do as they please; insatiable need to be the center of attention which limits their capacity to be empathetic and remorseful.

There is a difference between a person with abundant self-esteem and a pathological narcissist. A critical dividing point is the capacity for empathy and the ability to truly care about someone other than themself.

Armed and Ready

It is possible to maintain your own composure and self-esteem when dealing with narcissistic people, although the support of friends, family, and/or an understanding therapist is vital. Outsiders can help you get clear, apply more objectivity and less self-blame, and also help you to identify why the narcissist triggers you. Here are some tips:

1. Don’t fall for the 14-karat ego of the show-off.
2. Speak from your own sense of personal power utilizing an authentic and assertive voice against abuse, control, and oppression. Use “I-statements”. (Example: I am no longer willing to allow myself to be treated with disrespect.)
3. Set boundaries and meaningful consequences when they are violated. (Example: It is not okay for you to aggress on me. I will notify the authorities.)
4. Stand up to efforts to ensure that you feel weak, powerless, and perhaps even stupid. No cowering.
5. Recognize that you are dealing with someone who operates from a position of entitlement. The narcissist makes up his or her own set of rules and believes they should be able to have whatever is desired. The narcissist is not interested in the feelings of others and can’t appreciate or comprehend the value of empathy.
6. Recognize that you are with someone who is in a state of unknowing avoidance, often an addictive self-soother. It isn’t your fault the narcissist is frequently detached. (Behary)
7. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking that you can change or heal the narcissist. It is a job for professionals. The narcissist can make behavioral changes but must be highly self-motivated and dedicated to doing so. Motivation arises from being held accountable and facing consequences.